I AM JUST THE LOAF OF BREAD IN THE HARDWARE STORE!

One thing this disease has taught me is life priorities and what is worth the little energy that I have to work with each day.

Most of us often hear those words of encouragement "you are strong", "you are a survivor".. yada yada... sometimes though all we really would like is the hug and "it will be ok"!

Nevermind the challenge of trying to live up to somebody elses expectations... whether it be family or friend.  I have found that I just can't do it anymore, and perhaps all of the effort that I spent in days gone by trying to do it helped to make me sick.  Yes, sick.  I am not cured - or healed - or finished with the wrath of this disease.  It is a daily journey.

Last week I evidently screwed up.  Those who know me, know that I can do that pretty darn good from time to time.  BUT, the screwup was partly my own doing and partly due to not meeting the expectations of others.  For that - a friendship gets tossed to the wind.
All I have the energy to say is "oh well, perhaps it wasn't all that anyways".  I don't have the energy anymore to spend time molding myself into what "I think" others want me to be.  My energy is focused on adding another day in front of the one I am living.

Friendships can be wonderful - and - they can be painful.  The ones that stand the true test of time are not founded on expectations.  They are founded on just picking up and moving on, with love.  Not to mention, that I am a pretty lone wolf when it comes to my life.  Perhaps, I don't know how to even be a "good friend"... I can't say it comes from not wanting to be.  I know what is in my heart and God knows what is in my heart.

I also get very guarded with people that like to form triangles out of friendships... Triangles are not a very good shape to live in for me.  It leads to manipulation and weirdness that I don't like.

I know I am being a bit vague in sharing my thoughts here... but, I am just trying to figure out what it means to me to be a "loaf of bread in a hardware store".



Scars mark the body, but they cannot reach the Soul!

Ah Yes... Cancerversary 9/15/11.... 3 years out from diagnosis

 it is still in the rear view mirror...

Getting ready for this year's mammogram follow-up, I find myself in a better place, but still baffled by what this cancer thing is all about.

I still find myself angry as I remember all of the sisters lost this year to this horrible disease.  I also find myself stronger and longing to keep increasing the distance between myself and the scars that it has left me with.  I finally feel like life is returning and that fear is lessoning.  As my strength returns, so does the confidence that I am a survivor and I have a firm grasp on this life.

What is this disease anyway.  Why do some get so sick and some are able to make it through?  Why is it that once you have been given the dreadful diagnosis, nobody looks at you the same way?  Not your doctors, not your friends, not work, nobody! 

Also, what the hell is so special about 5 years?  I understand statistically the chances of reoccurance drop, but I have met women who have made it well past 5 years only to have to return to that seat in the chemotherapy room.  So is it that magical?  I think it puts 5 years of undo stress in our lives.  Give me some more of that crappy medicine please so that I can hit the 5 year mark, I might puke my way to the finish line or be unable to walk because of my aching bones, but damn it I will hit 5 years.  Is that what this is all about?

I know this might sound down right callous to some of my sisters that are still in the thick of the battle.  But, I just don't get it.  This year has really turned my thoughts and opinions of this disease upside down.  A year ago I was the queen of pink, thinking that I was grasping back my life and doing the good thing "for the cure"!  Then I have read and learned at just how over marketed and manipulated the world of pink is and it really forms a sick pit in my stomach.

On the bright side, my daughter has given me one more golden ring on the journey of life to live for.  My new grandchild will hopefully come into this world in February, 2012.  I hope that this child finds a world that comes to its' senses both politically and with regard to the irradication of diseases that have affected us for far to long.  I hope that my Matt, my daughter and this new baby are blessed with the important things in life, faith, family and love.

As I have said all ready, I am in a very different place this year.  Mammogram... BRING IT ON!  I am the weeble that can wobble, but I won't fall down!

Loving thoughts for all the Sisters that have passed on from this life to the next!

I feel like I dodged a bullet :)

I was talking to my cousin yesterday, and we both chuckled as she asked "Are you going to write another book while you are recuperating ?" she thinks the name should be "I'm still here"

Seriously, I really hope that things get really quiet in my life for a while.  Perhaps I should just give up the whole Cancer follow-up routine.  It seems like the cure is worse than the disease!  Pills to take pills, side effects that either make you feel 90 or grow odd little things in the body.  I mean- geeesh!

For all of the unwanted things that Cancer has given me - I do know that it has also blessed me with more support and friendships that would not be had it not been for this crappy disease.  I have also been blessed with the clarity of what is truly important in life & it has nothing to do with material things!

It was absolutely amazing when we got the news that George was gone and would not cause further problems!  They call your friends on facebook peeps, well my peeps were peeping away...  So many good wishes and words of encouragement, so much gratitude and faith that God hears our prayers.

It feels good to have dodged this bullet!

Say G'Nite George - the continuing saga of my battle with the beast!!!

It is really weird how I feel right now.  To say that this past month has been mentally hellish would probably be the biggest understatement.  I find myself thinking that with all the medical advances we have made - how is it still even possible to be in a situation where something is growing inside you and nobody && no test can tell you "for sure" what the hell it is!  Is it a recurrence?  Is it a big ball of fat?  Is it benign?  What will the outcome be?  Questions that have been rampant in my mind for way too long... I think this is torture.  I don't think it is a test of strength, as those who know me know that I can be a stubborn, obstinate, determined being.  I am definitely not a quitter!  But, I keep wondering what is the purpose of this, what chapter am I closing in life and what chapter am I opening. So I have named this alien being "George" and in a few short hours 47 to be exact - with the help of Dr. Drake and Dr. Shafique we will say G'nite George!

I guess I will know soon enough - FINALLY.  Maybe in some weird ass way god is trying to teach me how to be patient and ask for help?  Those are definitely two things that I suck at.  Me help - shit no,"I CAN DO IT MYSELF"!!!   Patience my ass - "I want it and I want it now"!

I have to admit, inside I am pretty scared.  I think I have done a pretty good job at staying in my little world of denial until Dr. Drake and I had the come to Jesus discussion last week.  To be completely honest, a colostomy probably scares me more than the beast!  I am just so vain that way.  I cannot envision dealing with this (such a baby I am).  I guess I will go into it kicking and screaming all the way.  For cripes sake I think I have donated enough body parts... this is one that I am just not willing to give!

I have also been turning to all of my blessings in my mind.. my husband, my daughter, my family, my support at work, my NH friends, my ACK friends, my BC Sistahs...God am I blessed!  I have more support around me that sometimes I just can't even wrap my head around.  I can't even convey how grateful I am and how humble this makes me.  I know I don't say it enough, and probably am not consistent enough in thanking all of those who mean so very much to me.  It is one of those things were time passes and we just get caught in the moments of life.  My problem has never been lack of people to love that is for sure!

I don't know what Thursday's outcome holds - and where this journey is taking me.  I do know that I just felt a very strong need to say to all those out there "I love you" and if I have been a bit off the mark lately - well you know - I'm just trying to get through it.

Checkum saying - "Let's roll"! - Oh, and if I can have it my way and have it all, I will take benign and no extra baggage ok ;)

Anaplastic Large Cell Lymphoma (ALCL)

It's like adding one more shoe to the collection, as being a survivor is often like waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Even though odds are that you would get hit by lightening before you got this rare form of cancer, it just provides one more worry, one more monkey on my shoulder.

More info... on the newly issued warning
Like all of this - our best tool to beat the beast is to be educated about it!

Army of Women

Face your Tiger

Good article.  Empower yourselves and rock on Sistahs.

http://www.breastcancerwellness.org/mags/jan11/index.html?page=6