It is really weird how I feel right now. To say that this past month has been mentally hellish would probably be the biggest understatement. I find myself thinking that with all the medical advances we have made - how is it still even possible to be in a situation where something is growing inside you and nobody && no test can tell you "for sure" what the hell it is! Is it a recurrence? Is it a big ball of fat? Is it benign? What will the outcome be? Questions that have been rampant in my mind for way too long... I think this is torture. I don't think it is a test of strength, as those who know me know that I can be a stubborn, obstinate, determined being. I am definitely not a quitter! But, I keep wondering what is the purpose of this, what chapter am I closing in life and what chapter am I opening. So I have named this alien being "George" and in a few short hours 47 to be exact - with the help of Dr. Drake and Dr. Shafique we will say G'nite George!
I guess I will know soon enough - FINALLY. Maybe in some weird ass way god is trying to teach me how to be patient and ask for help? Those are definitely two things that I suck at. Me help - shit no,"I CAN DO IT MYSELF"!!! Patience my ass - "I want it and I want it now"!
I have to admit, inside I am pretty scared. I think I have done a pretty good job at staying in my little world of denial until Dr. Drake and I had the come to Jesus discussion last week. To be completely honest, a colostomy probably scares me more than the beast! I am just so vain that way. I cannot envision dealing with this (such a baby I am). I guess I will go into it kicking and screaming all the way. For cripes sake I think I have donated enough body parts... this is one that I am just not willing to give!
I have also been turning to all of my blessings in my mind.. my husband, my daughter, my family, my support at work, my NH friends, my ACK friends, my BC Sistahs...God am I blessed! I have more support around me that sometimes I just can't even wrap my head around. I can't even convey how grateful I am and how humble this makes me. I know I don't say it enough, and probably am not consistent enough in thanking all of those who mean so very much to me. It is one of those things were time passes and we just get caught in the moments of life. My problem has never been lack of people to love that is for sure!
I don't know what Thursday's outcome holds - and where this journey is taking me. I do know that I just felt a very strong need to say to all those out there "I love you" and if I have been a bit off the mark lately - well you know - I'm just trying to get through it.
Checkum saying - "Let's roll"! - Oh, and if I can have it my way and have it all, I will take benign and no extra baggage ok ;)
