Merry Christmas 2010

Create your own free slideshow

I AM JUST THE LOAF OF BREAD IN THE HARDWARE STORE!

One thing this disease has taught me is life priorities and what is worth the little energy that I have to work with each day.

Most of us often hear those words of encouragement "you are strong", "you are a survivor".. yada yada... sometimes though all we really would like is the hug and "it will be ok"!

Nevermind the challenge of trying to live up to somebody elses expectations... whether it be family or friend.  I have found that I just can't do it anymore, and perhaps all of the effort that I spent in days gone by trying to do it helped to make me sick.  Yes, sick.  I am not cured - or healed - or finished with the wrath of this disease.  It is a daily journey.

Last week I evidently screwed up.  Those who know me, know that I can do that pretty darn good from time to time.  BUT, the screwup was partly my own doing and partly due to not meeting the expectations of others.  For that - a friendship gets tossed to the wind.
All I have the energy to say is "oh well, perhaps it wasn't all that anyways".  I don't have the energy anymore to spend time molding myself into what "I think" others want me to be.  My energy is focused on adding another day in front of the one I am living.

Friendships can be wonderful - and - they can be painful.  The ones that stand the true test of time are not founded on expectations.  They are founded on just picking up and moving on, with love.  Not to mention, that I am a pretty lone wolf when it comes to my life.  Perhaps, I don't know how to even be a "good friend"... I can't say it comes from not wanting to be.  I know what is in my heart and God knows what is in my heart.

I also get very guarded with people that like to form triangles out of friendships... Triangles are not a very good shape to live in for me.  It leads to manipulation and weirdness that I don't like.

I know I am being a bit vague in sharing my thoughts here... but, I am just trying to figure out what it means to me to be a "loaf of bread in a hardware store".



Scars mark the body, but they cannot reach the Soul!

Ah Yes... Cancerversary 9/15/11.... 3 years out from diagnosis

 it is still in the rear view mirror...

Getting ready for this year's mammogram follow-up, I find myself in a better place, but still baffled by what this cancer thing is all about.

I still find myself angry as I remember all of the sisters lost this year to this horrible disease.  I also find myself stronger and longing to keep increasing the distance between myself and the scars that it has left me with.  I finally feel like life is returning and that fear is lessoning.  As my strength returns, so does the confidence that I am a survivor and I have a firm grasp on this life.

What is this disease anyway.  Why do some get so sick and some are able to make it through?  Why is it that once you have been given the dreadful diagnosis, nobody looks at you the same way?  Not your doctors, not your friends, not work, nobody! 

Also, what the hell is so special about 5 years?  I understand statistically the chances of reoccurance drop, but I have met women who have made it well past 5 years only to have to return to that seat in the chemotherapy room.  So is it that magical?  I think it puts 5 years of undo stress in our lives.  Give me some more of that crappy medicine please so that I can hit the 5 year mark, I might puke my way to the finish line or be unable to walk because of my aching bones, but damn it I will hit 5 years.  Is that what this is all about?

I know this might sound down right callous to some of my sisters that are still in the thick of the battle.  But, I just don't get it.  This year has really turned my thoughts and opinions of this disease upside down.  A year ago I was the queen of pink, thinking that I was grasping back my life and doing the good thing "for the cure"!  Then I have read and learned at just how over marketed and manipulated the world of pink is and it really forms a sick pit in my stomach.

On the bright side, my daughter has given me one more golden ring on the journey of life to live for.  My new grandchild will hopefully come into this world in February, 2012.  I hope that this child finds a world that comes to its' senses both politically and with regard to the irradication of diseases that have affected us for far to long.  I hope that my Matt, my daughter and this new baby are blessed with the important things in life, faith, family and love.

As I have said all ready, I am in a very different place this year.  Mammogram... BRING IT ON!  I am the weeble that can wobble, but I won't fall down!

Loving thoughts for all the Sisters that have passed on from this life to the next!

I feel like I dodged a bullet :)

I was talking to my cousin yesterday, and we both chuckled as she asked "Are you going to write another book while you are recuperating ?" she thinks the name should be "I'm still here"

Seriously, I really hope that things get really quiet in my life for a while.  Perhaps I should just give up the whole Cancer follow-up routine.  It seems like the cure is worse than the disease!  Pills to take pills, side effects that either make you feel 90 or grow odd little things in the body.  I mean- geeesh!

For all of the unwanted things that Cancer has given me - I do know that it has also blessed me with more support and friendships that would not be had it not been for this crappy disease.  I have also been blessed with the clarity of what is truly important in life & it has nothing to do with material things!

It was absolutely amazing when we got the news that George was gone and would not cause further problems!  They call your friends on facebook peeps, well my peeps were peeping away...  So many good wishes and words of encouragement, so much gratitude and faith that God hears our prayers.

It feels good to have dodged this bullet!

Say G'Nite George - the continuing saga of my battle with the beast!!!

It is really weird how I feel right now.  To say that this past month has been mentally hellish would probably be the biggest understatement.  I find myself thinking that with all the medical advances we have made - how is it still even possible to be in a situation where something is growing inside you and nobody && no test can tell you "for sure" what the hell it is!  Is it a recurrence?  Is it a big ball of fat?  Is it benign?  What will the outcome be?  Questions that have been rampant in my mind for way too long... I think this is torture.  I don't think it is a test of strength, as those who know me know that I can be a stubborn, obstinate, determined being.  I am definitely not a quitter!  But, I keep wondering what is the purpose of this, what chapter am I closing in life and what chapter am I opening. So I have named this alien being "George" and in a few short hours 47 to be exact - with the help of Dr. Drake and Dr. Shafique we will say G'nite George!

I guess I will know soon enough - FINALLY.  Maybe in some weird ass way god is trying to teach me how to be patient and ask for help?  Those are definitely two things that I suck at.  Me help - shit no,"I CAN DO IT MYSELF"!!!   Patience my ass - "I want it and I want it now"!

I have to admit, inside I am pretty scared.  I think I have done a pretty good job at staying in my little world of denial until Dr. Drake and I had the come to Jesus discussion last week.  To be completely honest, a colostomy probably scares me more than the beast!  I am just so vain that way.  I cannot envision dealing with this (such a baby I am).  I guess I will go into it kicking and screaming all the way.  For cripes sake I think I have donated enough body parts... this is one that I am just not willing to give!

I have also been turning to all of my blessings in my mind.. my husband, my daughter, my family, my support at work, my NH friends, my ACK friends, my BC Sistahs...God am I blessed!  I have more support around me that sometimes I just can't even wrap my head around.  I can't even convey how grateful I am and how humble this makes me.  I know I don't say it enough, and probably am not consistent enough in thanking all of those who mean so very much to me.  It is one of those things were time passes and we just get caught in the moments of life.  My problem has never been lack of people to love that is for sure!

I don't know what Thursday's outcome holds - and where this journey is taking me.  I do know that I just felt a very strong need to say to all those out there "I love you" and if I have been a bit off the mark lately - well you know - I'm just trying to get through it.

Checkum saying - "Let's roll"! - Oh, and if I can have it my way and have it all, I will take benign and no extra baggage ok ;)

Anaplastic Large Cell Lymphoma (ALCL)

It's like adding one more shoe to the collection, as being a survivor is often like waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Even though odds are that you would get hit by lightening before you got this rare form of cancer, it just provides one more worry, one more monkey on my shoulder.

More info... on the newly issued warning
Like all of this - our best tool to beat the beast is to be educated about it!

Army of Women

Face your Tiger

Good article.  Empower yourselves and rock on Sistahs.

http://www.breastcancerwellness.org/mags/jan11/index.html?page=6

There is beauty in the Snow..

As most know, I am the "sunshine" lover -- a long sunny day beside this pool is the life for me!  Yesterday, we got another good snowstorm.  I do think that winter brings me some sadness and makes me way more reflective about things.  The loss of my dear friend Tammy was heavy on my mind while I watched the snowflakes falling silently to the ground.  The sound of traffic was not present as the roads were not good for travel.  In that stillness, I thought about how fragile life is. 

Just like the snow, it casts it's beauty for a short period of time and then it melts away.  Sometimes there are difficulties and struggles to deal with while it is here. However, we do it and we remember that even though there were these difficulties, the beauty was wonderful to behold.

I pray that Tammy's family, Mig, Brianna, Krystal, Eddie and Sam all remember the beauty that Tammy brought to our lives.  She was a strong and courageous woman, sharing her love with all to lift their spirit.

I remember when I was diagnosed in 2008, getting prepared to start my treatment with chemotherapy.  Tammy called.  She told me we were going to beat this thing that was now affecting both of us.  She gave me strength and courage to move forward.  We talked about treatment and she told me "don't think of it as poison, just close your eyes and think that this is good, this is going to heal me".  Then she reminded me how much she loved me and that she was always there for me. 

Now, you are gone from my sight, Tammy.  But, I believe that you are still there for me and that I can talk to you anytime I need to.  I will miss seeing your smile and hearing your laugh, but I will always remember it.

Rest in peace my friend, you have certainly left us all with lots to appreciate in knowing you.  I will always love you.

Gone from my sight

I am so mixed with emotion right now.  I have waited to write about all that I am feeling for the time when I felt that I could.  My dear friend Tammy is making the passage from this place to the place I believe is "home" for all of us.  It is a place of peace and love and beauty.  Cancer and all other things that affect us in the human condition are all without power in this place.  For, the Father holds the key to this kingdom and I believe that it is as magnificent as he is.

When I looked into my friends eyes this week, there was so much sadness.  I understood it deeply.  I knew that she knew that this fight was nearing the end.  Letting go is never easy in any situation - but, I think that it is in a time like this, the ultimate point, where you understand spiritually what it really means.

I still have so much anger toward Cancer and how many people it takes from us way before they should go.  But, I do realize that this is my lack of acceptance and willingness to let go.  For, if I truly believe what I have just said that I do, this is not the end, it is a beautiful beginning.  I must put my faith forward and trust in all that I know is good.  This doesn't mean that I cannot be sad, or mourn what is happening.  It is only that I do not fully understand the reasons.  Perhaps it is as simple as God needing another new angel.  With Tammy he is certainly getting a strong and beautiful addition.

I picked up a poem on my last visit with Tammy and Mig.  It says it all for me..

Gone from my sight..

I am standing upon the seashore. A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength. I stand and watch her until at length she hangs ...like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.

Then someone at my side says: "There, she is gone!"

"Gone where?"

Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was when she left my side and she is just as able to bear the load of the living freight to her destined port.

Her diminished size is in me, not in her. And just at the moment when someone at my side says: "There, she is gone!" There are other eyes watching her coming and other voices ready to take up the glad shout: "Here she comes!"

Mig told me that on Saturday we were together for what was Tammy's last real moment of clarity.  She still had her wonderful sense of humor, making us both laugh a little in between the tears.  I now pray for peace for my sister, and freedom from the bondage of this disease.  She has been a true warrior in every sense of the word, smiling through it all and helping others to realize the power of love.

I will miss you my friend, but I will see you again someday.  I know I will.

But, I'm not ready yet!

I have a dear friend that has reached the crossroads with her battle with cancer.  She is now in Hospice.  Today, I will go and see my friend.  I don't know where she is at spiritually with all of this, but I do know that I struggle.  I am angry at the disease for taking another woman that I love.  I hope that I can put that internal anger aside as I walk through the doors (a place that I have been before) and just find the place with her and her family of peace, acceptance and most of all LOVE.  I am sure that I will.

My grandmother was at this hospice when it first opened, she was actually one of the first residents there.  I remember all of the things that I have pushed aside from that time in my life.  There is a smell of death when cancer takes over.  It is a sweet smell of all things!  I know that it will hit me the minute I walk through the door, making this the reality that I keep hoping that it isn't.

I love you Tammy, my friend, and my prayer is that all of the angels surround you and bring you peace, love and a release from the pain.

Ah Yes - Sistahs.

A true sister is a friend who listens with her heart.-- Author Unknown

Ok so here it is - the first post in Checkum's World!!!  It is fitting that it is a post that honors the women that have become so "key" in my life.  Those wonderful cyber-sistahs that have helped to rebuild my soul that has been wounded by the tsunami of Breast Cancer.  You have held me up when I needed it - made me laugh when I needed it - shared a tear when "we" needed it.. I love you all.