One thing this disease has taught me is life priorities and what is worth the little energy that I have to work with each day.
Most of us often hear those words of encouragement "you are strong", "you are a survivor".. yada yada... sometimes though all we really would like is the hug and "it will be ok"!
Nevermind the challenge of trying to live up to somebody elses expectations... whether it be family or friend. I have found that I just can't do it anymore, and perhaps all of the effort that I spent in days gone by trying to do it helped to make me sick. Yes, sick. I am not cured - or healed - or finished with the wrath of this disease. It is a daily journey.
Last week I evidently screwed up. Those who know me, know that I can do that pretty darn good from time to time. BUT, the screwup was partly my own doing and partly due to not meeting the expectations of others. For that - a friendship gets tossed to the wind.
All I have the energy to say is "oh well, perhaps it wasn't all that anyways". I don't have the energy anymore to spend time molding myself into what "I think" others want me to be. My energy is focused on adding another day in front of the one I am living.
Friendships can be wonderful - and - they can be painful. The ones that stand the true test of time are not founded on expectations. They are founded on just picking up and moving on, with love. Not to mention, that I am a pretty lone wolf when it comes to my life. Perhaps, I don't know how to even be a "good friend"... I can't say it comes from not wanting to be. I know what is in my heart and God knows what is in my heart.
I also get very guarded with people that like to form triangles out of friendships... Triangles are not a very good shape to live in for me. It leads to manipulation and weirdness that I don't like.
I know I am being a bit vague in sharing my thoughts here... but, I am just trying to figure out what it means to me to be a "loaf of bread in a hardware store".
